HA131A | Voice | Day 23

[clowngirl]

[Really? A walkie-talkie? Luckily for all involved, Harley knows exactly how these work thanks to years of overhearing police radios and watching a little movie called Smokey and the Bandit.]

Breaker! Breaker! Eggs and baker!

This is Burt Reynold's Moustache comin' in with a Whiskey Tango Foxtrot and requestin' a 10-20 on myself. We got some sorta 10-15, 5150 situation goin' on with a negatory on 420-69. Is this a good kidnappin' or a bad kidnappin'? I repeat, good kidnap-slash-bad kidnap-question mark.

Smooches. Seacrest out! Over!

Comments

[desperate_times_right]

Not even the first time I woke up on a beach not knowing how I got there.

Never had a fun one, but this one at least doesn't have monologuing.

[clowngirl]

Oh my gosh villainous monologuing is the absolute worst. I would have chucked this radio into the ocean if I had to listen to one more guy inexplicably reveal his entire master plan while pouring out his clichéd and misguided reasoning based in untreated and unrelated psychological trauma.

[desperate_times_right]

Right?

“Blah blah I hate peasants.” Come on, dude, I don't think you'd blow them up if you liked them.

We haven't heard anything from whoever dropped us here at all.

[clowngirl]

Well, I hope they're still listenin' and takin' notes for the big reveal.

You wouldn't happen to keep a shorter list of people you ticked off than I do, wouldja? Help us zero in on the whodunnit?

[desperate_times_right]

Most of the people who've tried to fuck with me are dead, so I don't think this is my guy.

[She’s pissed people off after getting here but that's different]

Considering all the stuff that just fell on us maybe this really is all a misunderstanding.

[salamanca]

[ Dryly: ]

You shouldn't kill people. It's illegal.

[desperate_times_right]

I didn't say I killed them, I said they're dead!

[Harry LITERALLY blew up on his own]

[salamanca]

[ The radio briefly cuts out while Lalo laughs to himself. ]

Of course, of course! My mistake. How cruel of me to accuse you!

[ ;) ]

[desperate_times_right]

How cruel indeed! But so like a policeman.

[salamanca]

[ Dramatic sigh! ]

It's sad but true!!! We do that. Make false accusations.

[ He may or may not be looking smugly at Rust right now. ]

[desperate_times_right]

Yeah, it happens all the time. What's the world coming to, huh?

[clowngirl]

Good for you!

What kind of misunderstandin' d'ya think? Like they took us on accident?

[desperate_times_right]

Maybe they didn't take people on accident, but they might not have meant it to be us.

I feel like if all this was more precise they'd have put the poor elephant on the ground.

not here

[salamanca]

[ Rest in pieces, elephant. You're dinner now. ]

[clowngirl]

[She's definitely following up on the getting the wrong people thing in a sec but first:] ...Where'd they put the elephant?

[desperate_times_right]

About six storeys above a couple poor saps camping in the rain.

There's a crater.

[clowngirl]

Now that's a helluva punchline. Rest In Pachyderm, saps.

audio | DI481O

[salamanca]

Yeaaaah... I mean, for my money, the big problem with monologuing is that it can be used against you in court! Any cop worth his salt's gonna be wearing a wire. You go off about your parents didn't love you blah blah blah blah [ you can HEAR the eyeroll ] next thing you know you're in gen pop with a shiv in your ribs.

[ A beat. ]

A cop, which is what I am. I'm a cop. Name's Ben! Here to protect and serve. At your service!

[ We're, like, not even fucking trying at this point, are we? ]

[clowngirl]

Hiya Cop Ben the Cop! [She has no idea what this guy is doing but she's cheerfully all in.] Don't forget to clearly state your rank and badge number for your buddies in the only unmarked van on the island! I'm Harley, and I would like to state for any possible records that this does not technically violate my parole.

Also, c'mon, a shiv in gen pop? Don't be a baby. You plead insanity and then if the nutbar serial killer with a knife fetish gets cranky, you break his face durin' arts and crafts.

[salamanca]

[ It's cool, he doesn't know either tbh. ] Hi there, Burt Reynold's Moustache! This is Officer Ben De Guzman, badge number 52-666, Laredo PD. Reporting for duty! [ Snort-laugh. ] What're you on parole for? Hmmm? I'm asking as a concerned member of society!

Serial killer? Knife fetish? That's a very specific story... You gonna share with the class? But ehhhh, arts and crafts! Not bad. I hear that's real important for rehabilitating you criminal-types, eh?

Glad to hear you can defend yourself, though! You're tougher than me. I don't think I could handle any of that.

[ HE MEANS THAT... also he sounds entirely too friendly for a cop talking to somebody who breaks faces but hey. ]

[clowngirl]

[Listen, back at Arkham there's a former history teacher turned crime lord under the delusion that he's a Greek god but she's not about to take the guy's toga away. It's not really any concern at the moment if Cop Ben Cop is also crazy, or just joking, or the worst policeman ever if he's fun to talk to.]

Oh jeez, who can even remember the amount of criminal misadventures one's had in their career? That's like countin' the donuts. Besides, all that's behind me now.

And actually, arts and crafts is incredibly therapeutic in the short-term but as a singular program is completely insufficient in addressing the multiple factors that lead to skyrocketing recidivism rates. [She says this with a sudden shift to seriousness in her voice, with even her accent dulling itself out of habit when addressing the subject. Another snap and she adds with her usual tone:] OH! I did really like the finger paints though. Super fun.

[salamanca]

Behind you?

[ He listens with rapt attention to the shift in her voice. Curious. Interested. A shot in the dark: ] Social worker? Or therapist? No, no. Hang on. I'll get it. Lawyer? [ He hopes, privately, that it isn't that last one. Lawyers can't be trusted. Anyway, it's certainly not what he was expecting from her, based on her introduction. But that's not a bad thing. He speculates privately that perhaps she got her degree in prison, turned her life around. He's heard of that happening sometimes. He wants to her more, know her thoughts on this topic she seems so informed about. ] What would help with the skyrocketing re-- redic-- that thing you said?

[ He can guess at what she's trying to say, the words intuitively taking shape in his brain to the correct approximate meaning, but the actual terminology is a bit lost on him. ]

Yeah... I haven't painted in a long, looong time. I bet finger paints feel nice though. All squishy between your fingers.

[clowngirl]

I was a criminal psychiatrist, then just a criminal, and now I've cleaned up my act. Mostly. But for good this time. Probably.

[She slips back into the figurative lab coat of Dr. Quinzel with as much ease as before:] The key to reintegration to society without relapsing and reoffending is a complete and thorough focus on rehabilitation. You'd need to reduce the focus on punishment at every stage of the criminal justice system from arrests using excessive force to unnecessarily traumatic institutional environments which have a severely negative psychological impact on the convicted, utilize proper behavioral therapies led with empathy and be open to experimental treatments based on individual needs, emphasize the improvement of social functioning, establish programs that equip an inmate with specialized vocational training that aligns with their personal strengths, and assist with finding extensive mental healthcare and peer support upon release.

[She takes a deep breath out, and then just like that, her voice bounces up again and her accent thickens:] So yeah, a li'l more than just fun squishy paints. But guess which one's cheaper and easier, Benny? Well, that and keepin' the same electroshock equipment from the 1940's.

[salamanca]

Why all the changes, girlie? Most people don't change what side of the law they're on that often.

[ That is a lot of psychobabble talk for Mr. Just Make Money, and frankly it's a little beyond him. He gamely tries to keep up anyway though, because he likes her passion! He understands enough of it to see what she's getting at anyway, even if some of the specific terms might make him want to BSOD. He understands enough to get the gist. ] I... see. Do you have any recommendations for people who were born into criminal families, Doctor? Seems like it might be hard for somebody to leave their entire family, everything they've ever known behind... [ And Lalo has no plans to! He's perfectly happy being a criminal scumbag. But for sheer curiosity's sake, he wants to know what she says anyway. ]

"Benny." I like that! More people should call me that... [ He whistles. ] From the '40s? You don't say! You'd think they'd at least spring for the shit from the '50s.

[clowngirl]

[In exaggeratedly dramatic fashion:] I'm a tragic victim of circumstance, Mister Officer Benny. [AKA why take responsibility for your own bad choices?]

A person wanting to leave behind the criminal environment they were born into would need individual counseling and help to establish a support network outside of that environment to be able to make that transition. There is something, however, to be taken from one of the wiser philosophers of our time-- [and here, her voice of professionalism breaks right into her best impersonation from The Godfather] "You never go against the family."

[It's too high-pitched to be mistaken for Brando, but she's pretty proud of it. After that, she's back to casually speaking again.] My personal recommendations are different than before I lost my license to practice. Nowadays I say do what makes you happy. Me? I follow the love.