reefnet | EI033N | text

That's because I'm not!

[Levi practically screams as he finally wrests the walkie from Maddy's hands (for now)]

[ Maddy pouts while Levi talks to the others on the walkie. ]

[Levi pants for a moment before turning his attention to the radio and sending a few more messages.

He takes a moment to take a few deep breaths before holding the radio out.]

Here. You can have it. Just don't pretend to be me.

[ Maddy sulks a little, but she takes it. ]

Fine.

[ It's a fair enough ask, anyway. Even Maddy knows they've got other things to worry about right now, but it makes sense to have her taking charge of the walkie instead of him. She can help him keep up with anything important that happens.

However... ]

It's not true, though. What you said. You are worth something.

It is, though.

[He doesn't sound sad about it. He doesn't sound much of anything at all, letting most of his focus stay on building up defenses.]

All I know how to do is kill and fight. I'm more of a weapon or a tool than a real person.

[ Maddy helps him build. She doesn't really know how to build this kind of wall like Levi does, so she just kind of watches him and then does her best to do what he does.

Mostly she's focused on the argument, though. ]

You know that's insane, right? Like, calling yourself "not a real person?" Doesn't that sound, I don't know, kind of fully whack to you? [ She gets the impression that Levi does not in fact realize how truly whack this is, so she keeps talking. ]

You're not-- you know how to do a lot of things. And we can teach you to do more. You have a good heart, Levi. That's special. Most people don't.

[ Maybe here they do? The people here generally seem nicer than the people she knows back home, insane cartel weirdos aside. But in Maddy's mind, that doesn't make what she's saying any less true. ]

[He was doing a very good job of disassociating and not feeling bad (or anything) about himself but she's making it hard. What does he say to any of that? He doesn't want to think right now.]

I don't know what "fully whack" means.

[He says flatly, no real emotion in his voice. It breaks a little bit as he continues, though.]

I need to focus on this we...w-we can talk later. Okay?

Okay. But when we're done building the wall, you and me are gonna talk.

[ Maddy huffs a little, but she doesn't fight him about it. She's determined to talk to him about it eventually, but if he doesn't want to talk now, she'll let him focus on the wall for a little bit. She can't stop thinking about the way his voice sounds, though. It breaks her heart. She does focuses on helping him get the wall re-built first, though, letting him work without interruption and only turning to him once everything seems to be patched up. For now. ]

Can we talk now?

Edited 2023-11-27 20:46 (UTC)

[He shakes his head.]

We aren't safe yet.

[He will be using this excuse until the boar/Eki situation is handled. Even if none are attacking. Probably even after Randvi gets back. Maybe even forever. He'd like to not talk about these things, thx.]

Levi...

[ Maddy frowns. ]

We'll never be completely safe here. You know that, right? [ They can only do what they can. There will always be another danger. ]

Look, they're not attacking right now, so just... you know it's insane, right? Not thinking about yourself as a person? [ She isn't really sure what to do or say to help, and she's not sure if there's anything she can say. But she's determined to try. ]

And I'm not going anywhere until you know that. Everybody here loves you.

[He doesn't look at her. He never makes eye contact if he can help it, but now he won't even look at her. Its not her, though, he wouldn't look at anyone.]

...you can't love me. You don't know what I've done.

I know it was some KONY 2012 shit.

[ Err... wait. He's definitely not going to get that reference. Maddy sighs. ]

Levi, you're right. I don't know everything you've done. But I know it wasn't your fault, and I know you feel bad about it. I know people who've done really bad shit and they don't feel bad. They want to keep doing it.

It was my fault.

[It wasn't, and even the few times it was really his fault someone in one of his units died the blame could still be laid on the Eastern Union and how they handled their military.]

They're dead because of me. Kids are dead because of me. And I did it more than once.

I don't deserve sympathy. I don't want to think about it. I just want to make sure this place is safe from the boars.

[ Maddy is quiet. His trauma outstrips the kind of issues she's accustomed to dealing with, and Maddy thinks, not for the first time or even the hundred and first time, that she's in over her head here. Out of her depth.

She feels lost and unsure how to help. She doesn't know if pushing him to talk about it is right, but letting him keep avoiding it doesn't seem right either.

A lump forms in Maddy's throat. She reaches out and grabs his hand, and squeezes. He's gone through so much. So has she... but not like he has. As much as she's experienced in her young life, it can't compared to what he's been asked to do. The magnitude of what's been put upon him.

She takes a deep breath. ]

This place is safe from boars, at least for now. Thanks to you.

[He lets her take his hand, but doesn't squeeze back. ~~Not flinching away, though, is either a sign that he's very tired or that he'll accept her touching him.~~]

...for now.

[He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.]

We should try to rest. Get some sleep.

[ Maddy feels so lost. She wishes she could help him more, but she doesn't know how. Any of the advice she'd usually give feels woefully underprepared for his situation.

So, just because for once she doesn't know what to say, Maddy agrees. ]

Okay. [ She nods. ] Do we, like, take turns sleeping?

Its safest to sleep in shifts. I can take first watch if you want.

[He is very tired, but he's so emotionally shut down he barely realizes it.]

No. It's okay, Levi. I'll take the first shift. You get some sleep.

...are you sure?

[Its probably safer right now, since they just fixed up things. It made more sense for her to stay up if he wanted to protect her. But he doesn't want to put her out if she's tired.]

Yeah. Don't worry about it. Get some sleep.

[ Maddy gives him a small smile, hoping it's encouraging. She picks a station where she can easily see movement or somebody coming. At least the weather is clear and the moon is bright, making it easier to see at night. ]

If anything happens, I'll wake you up, okay? Promise.

[ She means that. She won't try to fight any advancing hoards on her own.

But since she doesn't know what to say to help, the least she can do is let him rest for a little bit. Besides, he's been doing all of the hard work. He's probably more tired than she is. ]

Okay. I, um, I probably won't sleep long. I'll let you know when I wake up.

[He feels like he should offer her a smile or something, but he just doesn't have it in it. So he just nods and heads to bed.]

Okay. Goodnight, Levi.

[ She'll just be here until whenever he does wake up, or when something happens that makes her need to wake him up. ]

EI033N | text | Night 042

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